Depression. Suicidal

This is personal very honest post, I know family members will be upset I didn’t turn to them, but if I am honest I feel ashamed, like why you are you down. I didn’t want a speech or anything. Depression is ugly thing, disturbing thoughts, battling with myself physically and mentally. It’s a challenge, yesterday I tried suffocating myself, lady from the carer agency was knocking at my door, eventually heard the knocking, breathless, she knew immediately something was wrong. Had to make my breakfast so could take my meds, as just didn’t want to eat. No appetite, if it wasn’t for my medication I think wouldn’t have eaten last couple of days. If you know me I love my food, so you know my mood is low because it wasn’t due to meds or illness causing lack of appetite, just felt like giving up. With my health being one thing after another, housing situation feeling stuck, trapped, as don’t live on ground floor and the fight for ground floor flat, is not easy one, battling that. The mess with social worker, not doing nothing. My carer can only do so much for the little time I do get, which fully appreciate. Then there’s the whole failure feeling, am I loser?

The carer agency rang my GP, which he rang me couple of times to see how I am, monitor how I am, I don’t really sleep still, fight in my sleep, restless. Also having seizure last week Friday, I sometimes wish why can’t you just take me now, as don’t want this any more. I’m not as strong people think I am. Then my thoughts turn to my pets as they depend on me, they need me. Selfish I know, as have people who love me. It’s dark, lonely, scary, numb, tearful.

I can’t hide, open dear diary.